Sunday, June 3, 2012

Heartsick




I haven't blogged in a really long time. I really don't think I'm that great of a writer and I don't think people care all that much about what I have to say. Also for awhile not a whole lot has happened to me. But 3 weeks ago something happened to me that has really affected me and I decided I wanted to write about it. I went back and forth because it's pretty personal but in the end I decided I wanted to share. So here it goes.

About a year ago I started the job I'm currently at and I met someone there that I instantly knew was an amazing person and someone I was meant to be friends with. Well we did become friends, best friends in fact. For the last 9 months he was a big if not the biggest part of my life. We did almost everything together. We would text all day every day. Which my therapist told me is more then he texts his own wife or children. We didn't go more then a few days without seeing each other and most of my plans included him or were made around him. He was an incredible friend. But because I'm me and I turn good things bad I turned our relationship into something twisted and weird. I even fell in love with him.

Now anyone that knows me knows I have some mental health problems. I've been diagnosed with some sort of depression since I was 15. So its something I've struggled with most of my life. Something that comes along with my problems is I get pretty obsessive about things and people, especially men, in my life. Now I could devote a whole blog post as to why which would include my childhood, father, etc but I'll save you the boredom. I've always done this. I've always made someone my world. I've expected too much. Pushed too hard. Wanted too much. And in the end most of them have left. Well 3 weeks ago that happened. My best friend decided to walk away. And I was, well I am, devastated. I don't blame him really but it doesn't change the fact that with him leaving my world fell apart. Now I get how dramatic that statement is. But its the truth.

So for the last 3 weeks I have literally been crazy! Now I use the word crazy a lot but this time I mean it. Something snapped. I wont go into details about everything I've thought and done mostly because it's embarrassing but trust me when I say it was a whole new level of crazy for me. Besides crazy I was feeling alone, lost, suicidal, numb, hurt, angry, etc... I turned to my therapist for answers and realized this was bigger then losing a best friend. That I had spent my while life using bandaids to cover up pain and wounds from my childhood. Those bandaids include alcohol, self medicating, shopping, movies, sleeping, lying, and people. Therapy had helped me remove most of those bandaids and my friendship was the last bandaid I removed, and it hurt! Not only did it hurt but it left me vulnerable and raw. I really didn't know what to do.

Throughout this I always remembered what I had been taught since I was a child. That no matter what my Heavenly Father and Savior would always be there for me when I was ready to come back. So I knew that getting back on the right path was one thing I needed to do. But I couldn't stop the crazy and the hurt. I kept telling my therapist I wish there was rehab for getting over someone. Because every time I thought I had hit rock bottom there was a whole other rock bottom I never knew about.

So after I hit rock bottom (again) on Thursday I decided the crazy had to stop. Well I was searching on the Internet and I came across this book called The Breakup Cleanse. It's a 28 day mind, body, and heart cleanse. Now I know how cheesy that sounds. So I did a lot of research and I found multiple great reviews. And I was able to read the first 20 pages before I bought the book. I just felt this was an answer for me.

So I'm going to do this 28 day cleanse and I'm hoping for the best. I also decided I'm going to blog each day about it. I'm also going to be working each week on a spiritual characteristic to help me become the person want to be. So I'll be including that.

I'm so thankful for the handful of people that have stayed by my side throughout the last 3 weeks. I love you more then I can say!

And thanks to all of you for reading my blog.



Here's a link to the book if you want to check it out:
The Breakup Cleanse

6 comments:

Sarah (and Bryce) said...

Thinking about you Michelle! Will keep you in our prayers! Hope the cleanse is a positive experience for you!

Ryan and Leah said...

Hang in there Chelle! Love you!!

Michelle said...

Thanks Sarah! I really appreciate it. :)

Michelle said...

Thanks Leah. Miss you!

Victoria said...

I'm proud of you. I know you will stick to this, and it will help. GO SHELL!

Michelle said...

Thanks Tor. I know this will help. It has to because crazy Michelke can't stay! ;)