Friday, June 15, 2012

Day 13

“Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

I think one of the hardest yet most liberating parts of this process is having honest realizations about my actions in my past and realizing exactly my role is the demise of my friendship.

The biggest realization was that I could not and would not accept love. I didn't love myself. In fact i hated myself. So i thought no one else could love me. I had someone who loved me the best they could. Who didn't have to. And who kept loving me despite so many reasons not to. And all I did was push to hard, expect to much, be to needy and I destroyed the love and friendship. I wanted so much to be loved and accepted and I had that but I couldn't let it in. I also couldn't just accept it for what it was. I had to want more. I had to twist it into something awful and painful. And when it went away i thought it was just more proof I was unlovable.

Realizing how wonderful I had it and that I made it go away was SO hard. But it changed me. And it continues to be motivation to keep changing. I'm truly starting to love myself and that in turn is helping let others love me.

There's definitely parts of my past I can't let go of or rather I don't want to. They were amazing and great. There are parts I'd do anything to forget. So much pain and drama to last a lifetime. But Im most thankful for those new things I learn about my past that continue to change my future.

The nicest thing to happen me today was hanging out with my niece. :)

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