Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 28

"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.”

Wow its been 28 days! I didn't really know what to expect when I started this cleanse. I had hit rock bottom, I was in a very dark crazy place and I knew I wanted & needed to change. I was determined to see this cleanse through no matter what. My intention at first was never to get over my friend or move on from our friendship. It was to move on from the crazy place I was in, get over my inappropriate feelings for my friend and to learn to love myself. And I accomplished all those goals thankfully. Well I'm still working on the loving myself and staying out of the crazy dark place. But I've come so far!

The last few days I have realized that my friendship is over. I'm done fighting for something that the other person doesn't want. I hate feeling unwanted and like I don't matter. I feel like this is so hard for me and so easy for him. I think one of the worst feelings is feeling like you don't matter or aren't wanted. It's so hard. I've driven myself crazy thinking about it but I have to let it go. I know I matter. I know i am and was a good friend. I know I'm a kind, caring person. I know that his life without me is missing something special. But again I have to let it all go.

Im also beginning to realize that the healthier I get the less I need the relationship. For most of my life and for all of my relationship with him I've been someone that needs to be taken care of. I needed love, attention, time etc. And if I didn't get it I was devastated and would self destruct. Well no more. I'm taking care of myself. I'm no ones charity case or project. I'm so done with that. And my friend played the caretaker role so well. Thats what our friendship was about. I needed him, he took care of me and in the process he escaped things in his life he didn't want to deal with. We were the definition of co-dependent!! With the help of my therapist I see this and I see how relationships like that can never work.

One thing I loved about our friendship and I miss the most is being accepted completely just the way I was. But again my therapist pointed out that with complete acceptance and no expectations there is no responsibility or motivation to be better or do good things. And he's right. I started becoming a person with no responsibility with no desire to do the things I knew I should be doing. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I make my own choices. But its easy to just let everything go when no one expects anything from you. I cant have relationships like that.

No one knows what the future holds. I will always love and care for my friend. I want nothing but happiness for him. And I do hope that one day we can have a conversation. And honest real conversation. I would love to have closure and I think I deserve it. But for now I'm doing my best to let go.

I've worked really hard these last 28 days but this is just the beginning. I have so much work to do. Life is a continual process. But I am SO proud of myself. I really really am! I am in such a deferent place then I was 28 days ago. Here's a little list of some things that have changed:

I haven't had a drink in 7 weeks.
I haven't taken any prescription medications in 7 weeks.
I'm back in school.
I'm going to institute.
I'm going back to church.
I'm more active and have lost some weight.
I'm more social.

Again can I say that I'm really proud of myself?! I'm so thankful for this cleanse and the help its given me. I'm thankful for my family and friends who have been there every step. Those that didn't leave and that have been supportive and loving. To those who have listened to me or read my many texts, thank you. I'm also thankful to my loving Heavenly Father. I truly know that I couldn't have done this without Him and His help. I truly am blessed with so many great people in my life. I couldn't have done this without all of them.

I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it. I did these 28 days! And I can't wait for each new day and the progress I'll make!

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