Day 28

"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.”

Wow its been 28 days! I didn't really know what to expect when I started this cleanse. I had hit rock bottom, I was in a very dark crazy place and I knew I wanted & needed to change. I was determined to see this cleanse through no matter what. My intention at first was never to get over my friend or move on from our friendship. It was to move on from the crazy place I was in, get over my inappropriate feelings for my friend and to learn to love myself. And I accomplished all those goals thankfully. Well I'm still working on the loving myself and staying out of the crazy dark place. But I've come so far!

The last few days I have realized that my friendship is over. I'm done fighting for something that the other person doesn't want. I hate feeling unwanted and like I don't matter. I feel like this is so hard for me and so easy for him. I think one of the worst feelings is feeling like you don't matter or aren't wanted. It's so hard. I've driven myself crazy thinking about it but I have to let it go. I know I matter. I know i am and was a good friend. I know I'm a kind, caring person. I know that his life without me is missing something special. But again I have to let it all go.




Im also beginning to realize that the healthier I get the less I need the relationship. For most of my life and for all of my relationship with him I've been someone that needs to be taken care of. I needed love, attention, time etc. And if I didn't get it I was devastated and would self destruct. Well no more. I'm taking care of myself. I'm no ones charity case or project. I'm so done with that. And my friend played the caretaker role so well. Thats what our friendship was about. I needed him, he took care of me and in the process he escaped things in his life he didn't want to deal with. We were the definition of co-dependent!! With the help of my therapist I see this and I see how relationships like that can never work.

One thing I loved about our friendship and I miss the most is being accepted completely just the way I was. But again my therapist pointed out that with complete acceptance and no expectations there is no responsibility or motivation to be better or do good things. And he's right. I started becoming a person with no responsibility with no desire to do the things I knew I should be doing. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I make my own choices. But its easy to just let everything go when no one expects anything from you. I cant have relationships like that.

No one knows what the future holds. I will always love and care for my friend. I want nothing but happiness for him. And I do hope that one day we can have a conversation. And honest real conversation. I would love to have closure and I think I deserve it. But for now I'm doing my best to let go.

I've worked really hard these last 28 days but this is just the beginning. I have so much work to do. Life is a continual process. But I am SO proud of myself. I really really am! I am in such a deferent place then I was 28 days ago. Here's a little list of some things that have changed:

I haven't had a drink in 7 weeks.
I haven't taken any prescription medications in 7 weeks.
I'm back in school.
I'm going to institute.
I'm going back to church.
I'm more active and have lost some weight.
I'm more social.

Again can I say that I'm really proud of myself?! I'm so thankful for this cleanse and the help its given me. I'm thankful for my family and friends who have been there every step. Those that didn't leave and that have been supportive and loving. To those who have listened to me or read my many texts, thank you. I'm also thankful to my loving Heavenly Father. I truly know that I couldn't have done this without Him and His help. I truly am blessed with so many great people in my life. I couldn't have done this without all of them.

I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it. I did these 28 days! And I can't wait for each new day and the progress I'll make!

Day 27

“Sometimes it happens in an instance. We step up, we see a path forward. We see a path and we take it. Even when we have no idea where we’re going.”

The last couple days have been hard emotionally. While I'm proud of myself for coming this far with the cleanse and the progress I've made, some things are still really hard. I get to the point where I'm confused and don't know what to do. So it was great that I had therapy today. I have an amazing therapist. He is truly the greatest. He is so helpful and he gets me to see and understand things I've never gotten before. Today was no different. I was able to realize some things that helped me feel better. I also realized that I still have some work to do. But I'm willing to do it and I'm in a good place to take on all the crap.

One of the things I realized is the type of person I want to be and the type of people I want in my life. I think I'm a pretty non judgmental person and I don't intend to change that but I am going to be more selective about who I let in my life and who I let become important to me. I need honesty, communication, loyalty, trust, and understanding in my life and in my relationships. I also expect that from myself. I love the changes I've made in my life this last month but I still have a long ways to go. But I know I can do it. I'm stronger then I ever knew and tougher then I look! :)

Day 26

Today was a hard long day. I had 10 hours of school and I was super emotional all day for some reason. So when 9pm rolled around I was ready for a distraction in the form of movies!

Me, my mom and some friends first went and saw Brave. It was pretty good although I felt like it was Brother Bear 3 at times. But the main girl was really inspiring and I even got teary eyed at the end.

Then we went to the midnight showing of Magic Mike!! I've been waiting for this movie for a long time. It was so good!! There's nothing that cheers me up like half naked men! And the audience was so fun. Best midnight audience ever! Thank goodness for distractions! :)

Day 24

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me"

I'm not sure how or why my mind does what it does. If I could seriously figure out how to master my own mind/thoughts or if I had on on/off switch it would make my life so much easier. Seriously!

So today was another family day. It was a good day and I had a lot of fun BUT I was bombarded all day with memories of my friend and the fun things we did. It seemed like everything I did, every song that came on the radio, everything someone said, everywhere we went triggered a memory. And while I was a little sad because It reminded me that those times are over and aren't going to happen again I was also happy. Happy because those were such good times. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with him.

Now I know our friendship wasn't always the healthiest and at the end I was really crazy and not in a good place. But the good times were really good and I had a friend that loved me, believed in me and accepted me just the way I was. That kind of love is rare. And even though I turned it into something weird, and twisted, and went to a very dark crazy place I'm thankful for it. Because without this friendship I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be on this journey.

So while today was a weird intense day it made me realize just how thankful I am for the friendship. And that I'm finally to a place where memories make me happy and not devastated. This is progress!! :)

Day 23

I had another fun day with my family.  My sister and brother in law are in Park City so my mom and I are taking care of my niece.  I spent the night last night so I could be here in the morning to help get her ready for the day and to spend some time with her.  Her parents ended up missing her a lot so we decided to make a trip up to Park City so they could spend some time with her.  I think the highlight of the trip for me was playing in the big bathtub with Mckenzi.  After we went swimming in the pool we went back to their suite and Mckenzi and I (in our bathing suits) got into the big bathtub.  We filled it up with warm water and turned the jets on.  We had so much fun splashing and playing.  We didn't want to get out but we had to so we could get ready for dinner. Seriously my niece brings me so much joy as does the rest of my family.  I just wish my other niece and nephew lived closer.  Because nothing cheers me up like seeing their bright shinning faces.  I love them more then I can say.

I'm really enjoying family time but sadly it will come to an end as I go back to school Wednesday but I do have other fun things planned for this week that I am excited about!  :)

Day 22

Three weeks down one more to go!  For week four the focus is MOVING ON! Its time to get rid of the rest of the physical and psychological reminders once and for all. You do this by filling your calendar with fun activities that will make you laugh and have fun!

I'm going to be honest and say I'm still struggling with completely letting go and moving on.  Its no secret that I always thought I'd have my friendship at the end of this.  I just thought it would be a better healthier friendship.  I never thought that I would be trying to completely let go of any hope of any kind of a relationship.  And I still struggle with that.  There are days where I'm not totally onboard with letting go completely.  But I'm doing my best.

Now doing fun things this week should not be a problem.  I like having fun and today was no exception.  I spent the day at the Jacksons. I went to church with them in the morning.  And I had one of the most incredible spiritual experiences I've had in a long time.  I'm talking life changing.  And all from a 20 min talk, but it was incredible. Then after church we all had tacos. I LOVE tacos at the Jacksons!  After dinner we all just hung out, talked and napped.  As we were all sitting on the couch and ground I thought to myself this must be what true happiness is.  Your family all together talking and laughing. It really made my desire to get married and start a family even stronger.  I really want that.  Lazy Sunday afternoons with my family. I think that would be heaven on earth.  I know it feels that way when I'm at the Jacksons.  :) Later my mom came and got me and we drove back home to Provo.  I got to help her take care of my niece as my sister and brother in law are out of town.  I love my time with Mckenzi.  She makes me so happy.  All in all it has been a great day!

I'm really looking forward to week 4.  I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.  I'm truly amazed I've made it this far.  And the things I have learned and how far I've come these last 3 weeks is crazy!  And this time I mean crazy good!!  I'm truly proud of myself.  I can feel a change inside of me.  A real change.  Not a change for someone else or a temporary one but a real one!  And I know that when day 28 comes I won't be magically cured and all the hard work won't be over.  I'm just looking forward to continuing this process.

Day 21

Today was a pretty great day! I spent time hanging out with my family this morning. Then we drove down to Manti for the pageant. Coach Jackson joined us for the pageant which was really nice. The best part was all of my nieces comments about Jesus during the pageant, hilarious! I'm spending the night at the Jackson's tonight which is always a good time!

I'm so thankful for time with family and friends. Not only is it so fun it's a great distraction! I'm very blessed to have great people in my life who I love so much!

Day 20

I love music. It can evoke such emotion inside of me. And sometimes one song can sum up everything I'm thinking and feeling at that moment.

At the beginning of this cleanse I was only able to listen to church music because most every song on my ipad/ipod/iphone brought a reminder of memories and with those memories a pit in my stomach, tightness in my chest, and a flood of tears. But week 2 helped with that and thankfully now I can listen to my music without a sudden emotional breakdown!

Although some songs still get to me like We Are Young by Fun or Somebody I Used to Know by Gotye. When I became obsessed when that song I never thought I would be able to relate to it so well. There is something so painful about someone you loved so much becoming somebody you used to know and that song captures that pain and hurt so well. Tears well up in my eyes every time I hear it.

Anyways yesterday I heard Katy Perry's new song Wide Awake and I fell in love with the lyrics. It had a positive message but it came from a painful place. So for tonight's post I thought I'd share the lyrics to the song. As it sums up what I'm feeling at this moment.

"Wide Awake"

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete
Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake

Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete
Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm wide awake

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
But I'm not blind anymore...
I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

Day 19

I saw this quote this morning in the book and I loved it! It's so perfect for me. Ive always looked at the closed doors in my life and it makes me wonder what I've missed out on. Well no more. I'm through wishing and hoping for something that is at the mercy of someone else. I control my happiness and I control my future. Yet even as I write this there is still a hint of sadness and confusion.

I really truly don't know how to let go of this friendship. More importantly I don't know how to let go of hope. Hope that one day it will be different. But I'm done torturing myself. I will find a way to let go. I have to.

So today was a better day. School was good. My mom came to town for awhile! I got to play with my niece. I saw a midnight showing of a movie with friends. And while my mind still wandered to the ever present topic I'm ok. I'm actually better then ok. :)

Day 18

Day two of this migraine. Day two of feeling confused & emotional. And day two of more realizations and hitting walls. But I'm still fighting. And with every wall I hit I'm determined to find a way around, over or through it. I may get tired, discouraged, and frustrated but I won't give up.

I deserve to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I deserve to be happy. Because I'm a good person. I'm a good friend. I'm a great aunt. I have a big heart. I love completely and with my whole heart. I'm passionate and loyal. I have a lot to offer. And I won't allow the mistakes I've made or any person make me feel otherwise.

Now if I could just find a way to completely let go and not care I'd be great! If anyone has any suggestions on how to do either. I would love to hear them. :)

Day 17

I'm going to be honest I don't really know what to say tonight. Ive had an intense migraine all day and it still hurts so blogging is the last thing I want to do. I'm beginning to think there's a direct connection between my emotional stress and my migraines and stomach issues.

I've just been thinking a lot today and doing my best to stay positive and trust the process. I've mostly been thinking about how to completely let go. I'm just so confused and emotionally exhausted.

I'm sorry this isn't the most positive post but it's where I'm at. The one good thing is I'm not internalizing this stress or frustration. I'm not making it about me being a horrible person who is undeserving of love. So that is a HUGE accomplishment! Yay me!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better. :)

Day 14

Today is the halfway mark! And I made it through week two. Not only did I make it through but I didn't have an emotional breakdown and I didn't do anything crazy or dumb. Even better, I learned a lot and I broke the connection between negative feelings and memories. Yay!!

However all of week two's exercises have really made me miss my friend and our friendship. I don't miss the craziness, the fighting, the lies, the intensity, and all the drama. But I really miss the great fun we had. I miss my movie partner. I miss just laughing at nothing and everything. I miss having someone that understood my weirdness that I could talk to about anything. I miss having someone I could text random stuff to. Basically I miss my best friend. And I wish I had the friendship but my life doesn't depend on it. I can survive without it. I have other friends who I love. I enjoy my life. I'm doing good.

And while this process is to help me get over the craziness and intensity that I had I don't think I'll ever be over wanting my friend back. But if that never happens I'll be ok. So we will see what the next two weeks bring. Im just really proud of myself for making it these 14 days! :)

Day 13

“Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

I think one of the hardest yet most liberating parts of this process is having honest realizations about my actions in my past and realizing exactly my role is the demise of my friendship.

The biggest realization was that I could not and would not accept love. I didn't love myself. In fact i hated myself. So i thought no one else could love me. I had someone who loved me the best they could. Who didn't have to. And who kept loving me despite so many reasons not to. And all I did was push to hard, expect to much, be to needy and I destroyed the love and friendship. I wanted so much to be loved and accepted and I had that but I couldn't let it in. I also couldn't just accept it for what it was. I had to want more. I had to twist it into something awful and painful. And when it went away i thought it was just more proof I was unlovable.

Realizing how wonderful I had it and that I made it go away was SO hard. But it changed me. And it continues to be motivation to keep changing. I'm truly starting to love myself and that in turn is helping let others love me.

There's definitely parts of my past I can't let go of or rather I don't want to. They were amazing and great. There are parts I'd do anything to forget. So much pain and drama to last a lifetime. But Im most thankful for those new things I learn about my past that continue to change my future.

The nicest thing to happen me today was hanging out with my niece. :)

Day 11

So today the daily exercises resulted in me writing a poem about a relationship. Well kind of a poem. Is it a poem if it doesn't rhyme? I've gone back and forth between deciding wether or not I should share it on here and I decided I will. I am in no way a poet. But here it is:

Quick Friendship
Intense Feelings
Playful Banter
Passionate Jealousy
Lively Conversation
Multiple Fights
Gentle Happiness
Bitter Coldness
Unconditional Love
Unrequited Love
Infectious Laughter
Floods of Tears
Blissful Acceptance
Patronizing Agony
Unspoken Understanding
Confusing Emotions
Exhilarating Memories
Harsh Reality
Wanted Honesty
Stinging Honesty
Anger, Hurt, & Lots of Words
Excruciating Falling Out
Consuming Obsession
Debilitating Desperation
Exhausting Lies
Liberating Rock-Bottom
Intense Self Reflection
Forgiveness, Hope, & Love
Promising Future

As with all the exercises this week I wasn't looking forward to doing it but it was very therapeutic.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching The Godfather with Wes, Katie and Andrew. My favorite movie ever!

Day 10

"It was a mistake…but I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life by my biggest mistake. People change, okay? They grow."

I saw this quote this morning online and I spent all day thinking about it. I've done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of but I've pretty much accepted my mistakes and even been grateful for them because I felt they've made me who I am today. But the last few weeks, actually the last few months I've done things I've just flat out regretted. And about 3 weeks ago I made the worst choice ever. I was in a bad place. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was desperate. I was literally crazy and I did something I can never take back. What I did set in motion consequences I'm still dealing with.

Ive spent the last 10 days thinking about what I've done and working on forgiving myself. I am extremely sorry for what I did. It's been so hard. I hurt people I care about and I broke people's trust. But I've gotten to a place where I've forgiven myself. However I still need to apologize to the one person I hurt the most. But right now I don't think my apologies hold much weight with them. I don't think they would listen to me or believe me. So I'm going to continue to do this process & work on myself and hopefully at the end of the 28 days I'll get the chance to apologize and make it right. I really hope this person won't judge me by my worst mistake for the rest of my life. But if they do that's their choice. I'm choosing to forgive myself and let it go.

Day 9

So the more I looked at week 2 the more I was scared and apprehensive. All the daily exercises are set up to stimulate the brain and cause me to think about past stuff. It's supposed to break the association between the certain person and negative emotions by over exposing my brain to stimulus. So after I've spent 4 weeks suppressing my feelings and trying to forget I'm now supposed to spend each day welcoming my emotions. So you can see why I wasn't super excited. I'm also scared at the possibility of me going back to the crazy place. But I have faith in myself and I trust the process.

Todays activities weren't easy and they brought up some intense emotions but I got through it. I can't necessarily say I'm looking forward to tomorrows activities but I am looking forward to where I will be after this week. So bring it on!!

Day 8

Week 2 is about habituation. And the characteristic I'm working on is humility. This week is going to be difficult. It's all about tiring out my brain and bringing up emotions. It reminds me of the quote "The only way out is through!" But I know that I will be much better after this week.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching The Tony's and Alien with Katie and Wes. It was was so much fun.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there’s millions of electrified nerve endings in there, open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it’s just unavoidable. Sometimes that’s the only thing left - just feeling.”

Day 7

It's been a week. To some that may seem like a short amount of time but to me it's been the longest yet best week of my life. I've done things i never thought I would. I've felt things I never thought I would. And for the first time maybe ever I'm starting to actually like me. It's an amazing feeling. Spending time with myself has been great. Its always hard and a little weird at first but I'm learning to enjoy it and even look forward to it.

Now there's still pain. At this point in the cleanse I'm supposed to evaluate my pain level on a scale from 1-10. And honestly it fluctuates between a 6-7. I still have hard moments and sometimes those moments turn into hours. But it is way better then it was a week ago. And whats better is my crazy level is way down. I haven't had the urge to do anything crazy or turn my life into a Lifetime movie. And that is such an accomplishment!

This week I was also working on forgiveness. I read a lot of talks by general authorities, studied the scriptures and even found mention of forgiveness in my Patriarchal Blessing. I really wanted to work on forgiving myself as I believe this was the first step to loving myself. I really feel I did some work in this area. I'm going to continue to work on it even as I move onto my next characteristic tomorrow.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

I'm really looking forward to this coming week. I've glanced over the exercises and they get a little harder emotionally. So while this will be difficult it will be so helpful. I'm so thankful I found this cleanse and that I was ready to really do it. I'm thankful for the love and support of my friends and family. Im thankful for my Heavenly Father and Savior. I couldn't do this without them. I would be completely lost. I'm a very lucky girl.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching fireworks with my family, especially my niece!

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Day 4

Today started out great. I did my daily exercises including a 30 min walk. I spent some time with my sister and niece. I wrote a letter to my friend Trevor on a mission. And I went to work. I was feeling better and having a good day. But then like always when I start to feel things are going great something happens. I found out some information that really threw me. I felt betrayed and hurt. Which of course I expressed first as anger. I still haven't completely processed everything but I'm doing ok. These last few weeks I've been to the depths of crazy and I've done a lot of horrible things but I'm doing my best to get better. And more importantly forgive myself and move on. Im looking forward to the next 24 days.

So everyday I have to journal what was the nicest thing that happened to me that day and I decided I'm going to share it on here each day. Today it was spending time with my niece and my 30 min walk.

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom"

Day 2

I love this quote by J.K. Rowling. It provides me hope that with this new rock bottom I hit I too can rebuild my life. And while it's only day 2 I think I have begun to do that.

Today was a pretty good day. I will be honest and say that I did not do all 5 exercises listed. That's not to say I didn't have a busy day filled with distractions. But I'm learning and I will do better tomorrow. I did however get my hair done today! I've been needing a root touch up for so long and I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to take care of how I looked. And I am so happy I did. I feel amazing! :)

I had some pretty strong emotions come up today. Emotions that made me question some things. Things I thought I knew. I was feeling hurt, sad, angry, confused, disappointed. And i felt like giving up on something and someone i believed so strongly in. But later tonight I was watching a movie and like always I had some realizations.

What I'm searching for and want most in my life is true love and acceptance. And if I'm searching for it others must be too. So that is what I have to be willing to give to myself. That is what I have to be willing to give to my family. And that is what I have to be willing to give to my friends. Which means I have to forgive myself and move one. I have to allow myself this time to heal and then let the past be the past. And I have to accept my friends and family for who they are. I cannot set unrealistic expectations. I cannot secretly and not so secretly try to change or manipulate them. For that is not true acceptance or love. And everyone deserves that. So I WILL be a better friend.

I know it's only day 2 but I can already feel a change inside me. Its not easy but for the first time in a long time I feel hope!

"Change happens when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing."