Day 10

"It was a mistake…but I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life by my biggest mistake. People change, okay? They grow."

I saw this quote this morning online and I spent all day thinking about it. I've done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of but I've pretty much accepted my mistakes and even been grateful for them because I felt they've made me who I am today. But the last few weeks, actually the last few months I've done things I've just flat out regretted. And about 3 weeks ago I made the worst choice ever. I was in a bad place. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was desperate. I was literally crazy and I did something I can never take back. What I did set in motion consequences I'm still dealing with.

Ive spent the last 10 days thinking about what I've done and working on forgiving myself. I am extremely sorry for what I did. It's been so hard. I hurt people I care about and I broke people's trust. But I've gotten to a place where I've forgiven myself. However I still need to apologize to the one person I hurt the most. But right now I don't think my apologies hold much weight with them. I don't think they would listen to me or believe me. So I'm going to continue to do this process & work on myself and hopefully at the end of the 28 days I'll get the chance to apologize and make it right. I really hope this person won't judge me by my worst mistake for the rest of my life. But if they do that's their choice. I'm choosing to forgive myself and let it go.

Day 7

It's been a week. To some that may seem like a short amount of time but to me it's been the longest yet best week of my life. I've done things i never thought I would. I've felt things I never thought I would. And for the first time maybe ever I'm starting to actually like me. It's an amazing feeling. Spending time with myself has been great. Its always hard and a little weird at first but I'm learning to enjoy it and even look forward to it.

Now there's still pain. At this point in the cleanse I'm supposed to evaluate my pain level on a scale from 1-10. And honestly it fluctuates between a 6-7. I still have hard moments and sometimes those moments turn into hours. But it is way better then it was a week ago. And whats better is my crazy level is way down. I haven't had the urge to do anything crazy or turn my life into a Lifetime movie. And that is such an accomplishment!

This week I was also working on forgiveness. I read a lot of talks by general authorities, studied the scriptures and even found mention of forgiveness in my Patriarchal Blessing. I really wanted to work on forgiving myself as I believe this was the first step to loving myself. I really feel I did some work in this area. I'm going to continue to work on it even as I move onto my next characteristic tomorrow.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

I'm really looking forward to this coming week. I've glanced over the exercises and they get a little harder emotionally. So while this will be difficult it will be so helpful. I'm so thankful I found this cleanse and that I was ready to really do it. I'm thankful for the love and support of my friends and family. Im thankful for my Heavenly Father and Savior. I couldn't do this without them. I would be completely lost. I'm a very lucky girl.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching fireworks with my family, especially my niece!

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Day 4

Today started out great. I did my daily exercises including a 30 min walk. I spent some time with my sister and niece. I wrote a letter to my friend Trevor on a mission. And I went to work. I was feeling better and having a good day. But then like always when I start to feel things are going great something happens. I found out some information that really threw me. I felt betrayed and hurt. Which of course I expressed first as anger. I still haven't completely processed everything but I'm doing ok. These last few weeks I've been to the depths of crazy and I've done a lot of horrible things but I'm doing my best to get better. And more importantly forgive myself and move on. Im looking forward to the next 24 days.

So everyday I have to journal what was the nicest thing that happened to me that day and I decided I'm going to share it on here each day. Today it was spending time with my niece and my 30 min walk.

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom"

Day 1

Week 1: Taking the edge off the pain.

Today didn't start out so well. I woke up with a blinding migraine. But I was still determined to stick to the plan. Every day there is an intention that you say out loud 3 times in the am, midday and before bed. Then there are 5 daily exercises that you are to complete. Then every night you journal about your experiences, a daily quote, any feelings that come up and the nicest thing that happened to you today. You also write yourself a letter. I know this all sounds really cheesy but i can already feel it working.

The daily exercise I wasn't looking forward to was taking an hour walk without your iPod. I'm not a fan of being alone with my own thoughts but that's what I needed to do. It was actually a good experience even though some tough emotions came up.

During this process I'm also concentrating each week on a spiritual characteristic or quality I don't have that I would like to have. I study the characteristic/quality in the scriptures and in talks. Then I make goals for the week that will help me work on it. This week I'm working on forgiveness. Mostly forgiving myself. I believe that forgiving myself is the first step to loving myself and in turn accepting love from others. Today I made a list of the things I'm mad at myself for. It was not a fun list to make and it was quite long. But it's a place to start.

"God's forgiveness is often nullified because the sinner does not forgive himself. What good does it do for God to blot our evil from his mind, if we continue to let it dominate our thinking by rerunning it in our own."

Sterling W. Sill What Doth It Profit

Today was a good day. Like I said before I can already feel it working. If nothing else my brain is distracted. And a distracted brain keeps me from going and doing anything crazy! ;)