Day 3

Today was a hard day. My mind would not shut off. It kept replaying memories and conversations. And the pain was so strong. But I stuck to the plan. I went to work and did my daily exercises. I also studied my Patriarchal Blessing and some talks on forgiveness. I found this great quote from Elder Uchtdorf,

"When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive-as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness- is the person looking back at us in the mirror."

I'm still working really hard on forgiving myself. Its a long process.

I really hope I can get some sleep and tomorrow is a better day. No matter how hard each day is I know I'm working towards my end goal and it will all be worth it.

Day 2

I love this quote by J.K. Rowling. It provides me hope that with this new rock bottom I hit I too can rebuild my life. And while it's only day 2 I think I have begun to do that.

Today was a pretty good day. I will be honest and say that I did not do all 5 exercises listed. That's not to say I didn't have a busy day filled with distractions. But I'm learning and I will do better tomorrow. I did however get my hair done today! I've been needing a root touch up for so long and I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to take care of how I looked. And I am so happy I did. I feel amazing! :)

I had some pretty strong emotions come up today. Emotions that made me question some things. Things I thought I knew. I was feeling hurt, sad, angry, confused, disappointed. And i felt like giving up on something and someone i believed so strongly in. But later tonight I was watching a movie and like always I had some realizations.

What I'm searching for and want most in my life is true love and acceptance. And if I'm searching for it others must be too. So that is what I have to be willing to give to myself. That is what I have to be willing to give to my family. And that is what I have to be willing to give to my friends. Which means I have to forgive myself and move one. I have to allow myself this time to heal and then let the past be the past. And I have to accept my friends and family for who they are. I cannot set unrealistic expectations. I cannot secretly and not so secretly try to change or manipulate them. For that is not true acceptance or love. And everyone deserves that. So I WILL be a better friend.

I know it's only day 2 but I can already feel a change inside me. Its not easy but for the first time in a long time I feel hope!

"Change happens when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing."

Day 1

Week 1: Taking the edge off the pain.

Today didn't start out so well. I woke up with a blinding migraine. But I was still determined to stick to the plan. Every day there is an intention that you say out loud 3 times in the am, midday and before bed. Then there are 5 daily exercises that you are to complete. Then every night you journal about your experiences, a daily quote, any feelings that come up and the nicest thing that happened to you today. You also write yourself a letter. I know this all sounds really cheesy but i can already feel it working.

The daily exercise I wasn't looking forward to was taking an hour walk without your iPod. I'm not a fan of being alone with my own thoughts but that's what I needed to do. It was actually a good experience even though some tough emotions came up.

During this process I'm also concentrating each week on a spiritual characteristic or quality I don't have that I would like to have. I study the characteristic/quality in the scriptures and in talks. Then I make goals for the week that will help me work on it. This week I'm working on forgiveness. Mostly forgiving myself. I believe that forgiving myself is the first step to loving myself and in turn accepting love from others. Today I made a list of the things I'm mad at myself for. It was not a fun list to make and it was quite long. But it's a place to start.

"God's forgiveness is often nullified because the sinner does not forgive himself. What good does it do for God to blot our evil from his mind, if we continue to let it dominate our thinking by rerunning it in our own."

Sterling W. Sill What Doth It Profit

Today was a good day. Like I said before I can already feel it working. If nothing else my brain is distracted. And a distracted brain keeps me from going and doing anything crazy! ;)

Heartsick

I haven't blogged in a really long time. I really don't think I'm that great of a writer and I don't think people care all that much about what I have to say. Also for awhile not a whole lot has happened to me. But 3 weeks ago something happened to me that has really affected me and I decided I wanted to write about it. I went back and forth because it's pretty personal but in the end I decided I wanted to share. So here it goes.

About a year ago I started the job I'm currently at and I met someone there that I instantly knew was an amazing person and someone I was meant to be friends with. Well we did become friends, best friends in fact. For the last 9 months he was a big if not the biggest part of my life. We did almost everything together. We would text all day every day. Which my therapist told me is more then he texts his own wife or children. We didn't go more then a few days without seeing each other and most of my plans included him or were made around him. He was an incredible friend. But because I'm me and I turn good things bad I turned our relationship into something twisted and weird. I even fell in love with him.

Now anyone that knows me knows I have some mental health problems. I've been diagnosed with some sort of depression since I was 15. So its something I've struggled with most of my life. Something that comes along with my problems is I get pretty obsessive about things and people, especially men, in my life. Now I could devote a whole blog post as to why which would include my childhood, father, etc but I'll save you the boredom. I've always done this. I've always made someone my world. I've expected too much. Pushed too hard. Wanted too much. And in the end most of them have left. Well 3 weeks ago that happened. My best friend decided to walk away. And I was, well I am, devastated. I don't blame him really but it doesn't change the fact that with him leaving my world fell apart. Now I get how dramatic that statement is. But its the truth.

So for the last 3 weeks I have literally been crazy! Now I use the word crazy a lot but this time I mean it. Something snapped. I wont go into details about everything I've thought and done mostly because it's embarrassing but trust me when I say it was a whole new level of crazy for me. Besides crazy I was feeling alone, lost, suicidal, numb, hurt, angry, etc... I turned to my therapist for answers and realized this was bigger then losing a best friend. That I had spent my while life using bandaids to cover up pain and wounds from my childhood. Those bandaids include alcohol, self medicating, shopping, movies, sleeping, lying, and people. Therapy had helped me remove most of those bandaids and my friendship was the last bandaid I removed, and it hurt! Not only did it hurt but it left me vulnerable and raw. I really didn't know what to do.

Throughout this I always remembered what I had been taught since I was a child. That no matter what my Heavenly Father and Savior would always be there for me when I was ready to come back. So I knew that getting back on the right path was one thing I needed to do. But I couldn't stop the crazy and the hurt. I kept telling my therapist I wish there was rehab for getting over someone. Because every time I thought I had hit rock bottom there was a whole other rock bottom I never knew about.

So after I hit rock bottom (again) on Thursday I decided the crazy had to stop. Well I was searching on the Internet and I came across this book called The Breakup Cleanse. It's a 28 day mind, body, and heart cleanse. Now I know how cheesy that sounds. So I did a lot of research and I found multiple great reviews. And I was able to read the first 20 pages before I bought the book. I just felt this was an answer for me.

So I'm going to do this 28 day cleanse and I'm hoping for the best. I also decided I'm going to blog each day about it. I'm also going to be working each week on a spiritual characteristic to help me become the person want to be. So I'll be including that.

I'm so thankful for the handful of people that have stayed by my side throughout the last 3 weeks. I love you more then I can say!

And thanks to all of you for reading my blog.



Here's a link to the book if you want to check it out:
The Breakup Cleanse

30 Days of Birthday Awesomeness: Day 4

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.” -Bill Shankly

Day 4 brought the start of another college football season. I LOVE football. And I especially love BYU football! I bleed blue! When football season starts again it's like suddenly everything is right in the world. I can't thing of anything much better then a saturday spent watching football!

So with today being the first BYU football game and I had a little party to celebrate. It was so much fun. My friend Jack came. And even though he doesn't like football he watched the whole game, never complained and was happy the whole time. He's really such a great friend! My other friends Trevor and Wes came along with my sister and niece. My little niece looked so cute in her cheerleading outfit.

The game was really good! There were a few times my heart was racing and times it almost stopped But my Cougs pulled out the win and all was right in my world!

Today was a great start to what I predict will be an amazing season! I had so much fun! GO BYU!

30 Days of Birthday Awesomeness: Day 2 & 3

Day 2 and 3 have been pretty uneventful. I've worked and hung out at my house. I did watch Letters to Juliet with my sister and Mckenzi last night. I love that movie and it makes my desire to go to Italy that much stronger. And I always love seeing my little monkey (Mckenzi)!

I also saw Columbiana with Jack last night. It was an ok movie. I do enjoy watching a girl kick guys trash but I would've preferred she wear a bra while doing it!

Tonight I'm going to clean and get ready for the party to kick off BYU FOOTBALL tomorrow! I'm so excited!

30 Days of Birthday Awesomess: Day One!

I've always loved my birthday! Who doesn't love a day dedicated to celebrating them and the day they were born?! I also love other peoples birthdays! I think everyone should embrace the birthdays and celebrate like crazy. Through the years I've tried to find ways to make my birthday celebration to last longer and longer till finally I came up with birthday month! I was telling my friend Jack about it and he liked the idea so we decided to first do 25 days of Jack since he was turning 25 and then 30 days of Michelle (me) since I'm turning 30! Yes I can't believe I'm turning 30 but if I have to do it then what better way then with 30 days of celebrating?! I'm calling it 30 days of Birthday Awesomeness!

Yesterday was day one. It started by me working in the morning because even though I thought I'd be rich at 30, I still need my minimum wage job. While at work Jack came in and brought me a card that wished me a happy day one. It was so sweet and almost made me cry. He's such a great friend!

Later that day my sister posted this on my Facebook wall:

DAY 1:
A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double.
Thank you for being enough like me to be awesome, and enough not like me for us to enjoy our differences!
Happy First day of Michelle!

I loved it! She is such a thoughtful sister. And on a day that wasn't the best for her!










Later that night I went to see s special showing theater showing of Scarface. It was a lot of fun and I actually liked the movie better this time around then the first time I saw it. The only thing missing was my brother. He loves Scarface and it would have been nice if we could've watched it together. But I appreciate Brian leaving his work get together early to watch it with me.

So I had a great first day! It was much better then I thought it was going to be. And as I look forward to the next 29 days I know they are going to be amazing not because of all the events I have planned but because of the great people I get to spend them with! I have the best friends and family and that is the greatest gift I could ever ask for!