Day 28

"To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It’s having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It’s learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It’s realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set you free.”

Wow its been 28 days! I didn't really know what to expect when I started this cleanse. I had hit rock bottom, I was in a very dark crazy place and I knew I wanted & needed to change. I was determined to see this cleanse through no matter what. My intention at first was never to get over my friend or move on from our friendship. It was to move on from the crazy place I was in, get over my inappropriate feelings for my friend and to learn to love myself. And I accomplished all those goals thankfully. Well I'm still working on the loving myself and staying out of the crazy dark place. But I've come so far!

The last few days I have realized that my friendship is over. I'm done fighting for something that the other person doesn't want. I hate feeling unwanted and like I don't matter. I feel like this is so hard for me and so easy for him. I think one of the worst feelings is feeling like you don't matter or aren't wanted. It's so hard. I've driven myself crazy thinking about it but I have to let it go. I know I matter. I know i am and was a good friend. I know I'm a kind, caring person. I know that his life without me is missing something special. But again I have to let it all go.




Im also beginning to realize that the healthier I get the less I need the relationship. For most of my life and for all of my relationship with him I've been someone that needs to be taken care of. I needed love, attention, time etc. And if I didn't get it I was devastated and would self destruct. Well no more. I'm taking care of myself. I'm no ones charity case or project. I'm so done with that. And my friend played the caretaker role so well. Thats what our friendship was about. I needed him, he took care of me and in the process he escaped things in his life he didn't want to deal with. We were the definition of co-dependent!! With the help of my therapist I see this and I see how relationships like that can never work.

One thing I loved about our friendship and I miss the most is being accepted completely just the way I was. But again my therapist pointed out that with complete acceptance and no expectations there is no responsibility or motivation to be better or do good things. And he's right. I started becoming a person with no responsibility with no desire to do the things I knew I should be doing. I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I make my own choices. But its easy to just let everything go when no one expects anything from you. I cant have relationships like that.

No one knows what the future holds. I will always love and care for my friend. I want nothing but happiness for him. And I do hope that one day we can have a conversation. And honest real conversation. I would love to have closure and I think I deserve it. But for now I'm doing my best to let go.

I've worked really hard these last 28 days but this is just the beginning. I have so much work to do. Life is a continual process. But I am SO proud of myself. I really really am! I am in such a deferent place then I was 28 days ago. Here's a little list of some things that have changed:

I haven't had a drink in 7 weeks.
I haven't taken any prescription medications in 7 weeks.
I'm back in school.
I'm going to institute.
I'm going back to church.
I'm more active and have lost some weight.
I'm more social.

Again can I say that I'm really proud of myself?! I'm so thankful for this cleanse and the help its given me. I'm thankful for my family and friends who have been there every step. Those that didn't leave and that have been supportive and loving. To those who have listened to me or read my many texts, thank you. I'm also thankful to my loving Heavenly Father. I truly know that I couldn't have done this without Him and His help. I truly am blessed with so many great people in my life. I couldn't have done this without all of them.

I have a long road ahead of me but I know I can do it. I did these 28 days! And I can't wait for each new day and the progress I'll make!

Day 27

“Sometimes it happens in an instance. We step up, we see a path forward. We see a path and we take it. Even when we have no idea where we’re going.”

The last couple days have been hard emotionally. While I'm proud of myself for coming this far with the cleanse and the progress I've made, some things are still really hard. I get to the point where I'm confused and don't know what to do. So it was great that I had therapy today. I have an amazing therapist. He is truly the greatest. He is so helpful and he gets me to see and understand things I've never gotten before. Today was no different. I was able to realize some things that helped me feel better. I also realized that I still have some work to do. But I'm willing to do it and I'm in a good place to take on all the crap.

One of the things I realized is the type of person I want to be and the type of people I want in my life. I think I'm a pretty non judgmental person and I don't intend to change that but I am going to be more selective about who I let in my life and who I let become important to me. I need honesty, communication, loyalty, trust, and understanding in my life and in my relationships. I also expect that from myself. I love the changes I've made in my life this last month but I still have a long ways to go. But I know I can do it. I'm stronger then I ever knew and tougher then I look! :)

Day 26

Today was a hard long day. I had 10 hours of school and I was super emotional all day for some reason. So when 9pm rolled around I was ready for a distraction in the form of movies!

Me, my mom and some friends first went and saw Brave. It was pretty good although I felt like it was Brother Bear 3 at times. But the main girl was really inspiring and I even got teary eyed at the end.

Then we went to the midnight showing of Magic Mike!! I've been waiting for this movie for a long time. It was so good!! There's nothing that cheers me up like half naked men! And the audience was so fun. Best midnight audience ever! Thank goodness for distractions! :)

Day 25

So tonight after a long day at school me, my mom and my sister all watched Bridesmaids.  One of my daily activities was to watch a comedy and laugh out loud so it worked perfectly.  I seriously love that movie.  It is so funny.  But I also got some good inspiring things out of it.  The first is the quote "You are your problem but you are also your solution."  I love it!  And it so fitting!  The second thing is the song Hold On.  When I was young I loved Wilson Phillips and would listen to their songs over and over.  So I know the song by heart but the lyrics are especially fitting right now.  So I included a video with the lyrics of the song.  Listen to it.  Its a cheesy song but its good.  :)

Day 24

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me"

I'm not sure how or why my mind does what it does. If I could seriously figure out how to master my own mind/thoughts or if I had on on/off switch it would make my life so much easier. Seriously!

So today was another family day. It was a good day and I had a lot of fun BUT I was bombarded all day with memories of my friend and the fun things we did. It seemed like everything I did, every song that came on the radio, everything someone said, everywhere we went triggered a memory. And while I was a little sad because It reminded me that those times are over and aren't going to happen again I was also happy. Happy because those were such good times. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with him.

Now I know our friendship wasn't always the healthiest and at the end I was really crazy and not in a good place. But the good times were really good and I had a friend that loved me, believed in me and accepted me just the way I was. That kind of love is rare. And even though I turned it into something weird, and twisted, and went to a very dark crazy place I'm thankful for it. Because without this friendship I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be on this journey.

So while today was a weird intense day it made me realize just how thankful I am for the friendship. And that I'm finally to a place where memories make me happy and not devastated. This is progress!! :)

Day 23

I had another fun day with my family.  My sister and brother in law are in Park City so my mom and I are taking care of my niece.  I spent the night last night so I could be here in the morning to help get her ready for the day and to spend some time with her.  Her parents ended up missing her a lot so we decided to make a trip up to Park City so they could spend some time with her.  I think the highlight of the trip for me was playing in the big bathtub with Mckenzi.  After we went swimming in the pool we went back to their suite and Mckenzi and I (in our bathing suits) got into the big bathtub.  We filled it up with warm water and turned the jets on.  We had so much fun splashing and playing.  We didn't want to get out but we had to so we could get ready for dinner. Seriously my niece brings me so much joy as does the rest of my family.  I just wish my other niece and nephew lived closer.  Because nothing cheers me up like seeing their bright shinning faces.  I love them more then I can say.

I'm really enjoying family time but sadly it will come to an end as I go back to school Wednesday but I do have other fun things planned for this week that I am excited about!  :)

Day 22

Three weeks down one more to go!  For week four the focus is MOVING ON! Its time to get rid of the rest of the physical and psychological reminders once and for all. You do this by filling your calendar with fun activities that will make you laugh and have fun!

I'm going to be honest and say I'm still struggling with completely letting go and moving on.  Its no secret that I always thought I'd have my friendship at the end of this.  I just thought it would be a better healthier friendship.  I never thought that I would be trying to completely let go of any hope of any kind of a relationship.  And I still struggle with that.  There are days where I'm not totally onboard with letting go completely.  But I'm doing my best.

Now doing fun things this week should not be a problem.  I like having fun and today was no exception.  I spent the day at the Jacksons. I went to church with them in the morning.  And I had one of the most incredible spiritual experiences I've had in a long time.  I'm talking life changing.  And all from a 20 min talk, but it was incredible. Then after church we all had tacos. I LOVE tacos at the Jacksons!  After dinner we all just hung out, talked and napped.  As we were all sitting on the couch and ground I thought to myself this must be what true happiness is.  Your family all together talking and laughing. It really made my desire to get married and start a family even stronger.  I really want that.  Lazy Sunday afternoons with my family. I think that would be heaven on earth.  I know it feels that way when I'm at the Jacksons.  :) Later my mom came and got me and we drove back home to Provo.  I got to help her take care of my niece as my sister and brother in law are out of town.  I love my time with Mckenzi.  She makes me so happy.  All in all it has been a great day!

I'm really looking forward to week 4.  I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.  I'm truly amazed I've made it this far.  And the things I have learned and how far I've come these last 3 weeks is crazy!  And this time I mean crazy good!!  I'm truly proud of myself.  I can feel a change inside of me.  A real change.  Not a change for someone else or a temporary one but a real one!  And I know that when day 28 comes I won't be magically cured and all the hard work won't be over.  I'm just looking forward to continuing this process.