Day 10

"It was a mistake…but I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life by my biggest mistake. People change, okay? They grow."

I saw this quote this morning online and I spent all day thinking about it. I've done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of but I've pretty much accepted my mistakes and even been grateful for them because I felt they've made me who I am today. But the last few weeks, actually the last few months I've done things I've just flat out regretted. And about 3 weeks ago I made the worst choice ever. I was in a bad place. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was desperate. I was literally crazy and I did something I can never take back. What I did set in motion consequences I'm still dealing with.

Ive spent the last 10 days thinking about what I've done and working on forgiving myself. I am extremely sorry for what I did. It's been so hard. I hurt people I care about and I broke people's trust. But I've gotten to a place where I've forgiven myself. However I still need to apologize to the one person I hurt the most. But right now I don't think my apologies hold much weight with them. I don't think they would listen to me or believe me. So I'm going to continue to do this process & work on myself and hopefully at the end of the 28 days I'll get the chance to apologize and make it right. I really hope this person won't judge me by my worst mistake for the rest of my life. But if they do that's their choice. I'm choosing to forgive myself and let it go.

Day 9

So the more I looked at week 2 the more I was scared and apprehensive. All the daily exercises are set up to stimulate the brain and cause me to think about past stuff. It's supposed to break the association between the certain person and negative emotions by over exposing my brain to stimulus. So after I've spent 4 weeks suppressing my feelings and trying to forget I'm now supposed to spend each day welcoming my emotions. So you can see why I wasn't super excited. I'm also scared at the possibility of me going back to the crazy place. But I have faith in myself and I trust the process.

Todays activities weren't easy and they brought up some intense emotions but I got through it. I can't necessarily say I'm looking forward to tomorrows activities but I am looking forward to where I will be after this week. So bring it on!!

Day 8

Week 2 is about habituation. And the characteristic I'm working on is humility. This week is going to be difficult. It's all about tiring out my brain and bringing up emotions. It reminds me of the quote "The only way out is through!" But I know that I will be much better after this week.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching The Tony's and Alien with Katie and Wes. It was was so much fun.

"No matter how thick-skinned we try to be, there’s millions of electrified nerve endings in there, open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it’s just unavoidable. Sometimes that’s the only thing left - just feeling.”

Day 7

It's been a week. To some that may seem like a short amount of time but to me it's been the longest yet best week of my life. I've done things i never thought I would. I've felt things I never thought I would. And for the first time maybe ever I'm starting to actually like me. It's an amazing feeling. Spending time with myself has been great. Its always hard and a little weird at first but I'm learning to enjoy it and even look forward to it.

Now there's still pain. At this point in the cleanse I'm supposed to evaluate my pain level on a scale from 1-10. And honestly it fluctuates between a 6-7. I still have hard moments and sometimes those moments turn into hours. But it is way better then it was a week ago. And whats better is my crazy level is way down. I haven't had the urge to do anything crazy or turn my life into a Lifetime movie. And that is such an accomplishment!

This week I was also working on forgiveness. I read a lot of talks by general authorities, studied the scriptures and even found mention of forgiveness in my Patriarchal Blessing. I really wanted to work on forgiving myself as I believe this was the first step to loving myself. I really feel I did some work in this area. I'm going to continue to work on it even as I move onto my next characteristic tomorrow.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

I'm really looking forward to this coming week. I've glanced over the exercises and they get a little harder emotionally. So while this will be difficult it will be so helpful. I'm so thankful I found this cleanse and that I was ready to really do it. I'm thankful for the love and support of my friends and family. Im thankful for my Heavenly Father and Savior. I couldn't do this without them. I would be completely lost. I'm a very lucky girl.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was watching fireworks with my family, especially my niece!

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Day 6

One of the ways I know this cleanse is working is that I'm willing to do things I normally hate or that are out of my comfort zone. Today one of my daily exercises was to go swimming. So I did. I swam by myself for 20 mins. At first I wasn't very excited but it was quite relaxing and nice. I also saw a movie with Wes, met up with Karrie at Starbucks, and worked. All in all a very nice day.

I still have hard moments. My mind has trouble shutting off especially at night. And I miss my friend so much. I miss having someone that I can rely on, always text, hang out with, laugh with and just be with. But I'm learning to do those things with myself. Except maybe text. I don't text myself. Haha! And I'm finding I'm kind of a cool person. Anyways its only day 6 and I have a ways to go but I'm so thankful vie stuck with it this far and for the difference I can already feel.

The nicest thing to happen to me today was hanging out with my friend Karrie. She's a great friend and I've missed her! :)

"They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything."

Day 5

This is something I was thinking about today. I'm slowly becoming less concerned with what others think about me and my choices. It's no secret I've done some crazy stuff but instead of caring how others are going to react or judge me, I care what I think of me. And also what my Heavenly Father thinks. I am sorry I've hurt others and let them down. And I'm working hard to make amends and to change my behavior patterns. But right now my main concern is me. And while that may sound selfish it feels nice to finally genuinely care about me.

So day 5 was a good day. I went to therapy which I love. I was able to talk on the phone with Lisa. She always helps me get things straight in my head. And also see things from a different perspective. I did my daily exercises which made me think about some stuff. I went to my school to fill out paperwork so I could end my leave. I will be going back to school on the 16th. It will be nice to go back and have an added distraction. I've missed school. Then later tonight I went and saw the midnight showing of Prometheus. A pretty good day.

The nicest thing that happened me today was seeing my classmates. They told me they had missed me and couldn't wait till I came back to school. :)

Day 4

Today started out great. I did my daily exercises including a 30 min walk. I spent some time with my sister and niece. I wrote a letter to my friend Trevor on a mission. And I went to work. I was feeling better and having a good day. But then like always when I start to feel things are going great something happens. I found out some information that really threw me. I felt betrayed and hurt. Which of course I expressed first as anger. I still haven't completely processed everything but I'm doing ok. These last few weeks I've been to the depths of crazy and I've done a lot of horrible things but I'm doing my best to get better. And more importantly forgive myself and move on. Im looking forward to the next 24 days.

So everyday I have to journal what was the nicest thing that happened to me that day and I decided I'm going to share it on here each day. Today it was spending time with my niece and my 30 min walk.

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom"